I stopped smoking a few years back with the aid of a wonderful book called the ‘Write Way 2 Stop Smoking’  , the  ideas in the book I found to be a  wonderful adventure  , so I really enjoyed the  12 weeks  it took to  study this book in detail. In short the  idea was to journal each day , to shake up  your life really.    A lovely  new adventure unfolded each day. It was a success  in so far as   I was a happy non smoker most of the time for about 15 weeks.

So what happened? you may ask , well I became complacent  thought I had it all under control, but I really did not have anything under control least of all my  childish  ways. Yes that is what    was my downfall . Tonight I began to question   why  I am an addict ? and,  why  I fear becoming clean ?

Yes fear is a big part of any addiction we fear being without our cigarettes or whatever else we are addicted to . The next question  was why , I asked myself  Why do I have this fear, name this fear  I almost shout to myself.  Well the  answer is not  that easy  because I know I can be a happy non smoker , because I have been one  . The fear is the   yucky bit, the in-between bit , the withdrawal bit  , I now know  this does not last forever,  so  I go back to the worst bit of that  yucky bit and  that is why I have called this post ;’ I have a plan’  .  I knew Descartes would come in handy one day.

The yuckiest bit of withdrawal for me, was   not being  the nicest person  in the world to my lovely darling husband, and as we are now getting  out of the  teenage years   I  really don’t want to  upset him too much because he really is a hero to put up with my childish ways at times , mind you he can be childish too. The poor man would be a millionaire now if he had married a sensible lass .

Getting back to that fear bit   is harder you know because it is so so  immature  for  a lady hanging on to 59 for  the next few months to admit to immaturity .  By the way I was 49 when I last  embarked on being addiction free  and swore   I was doing it in order to live the next 50 years as  positively as  I could. Okay okay I will get  to the point  but   for those that  have not had the pleasure of meeting  my  darling  he is  a delightful character  , kind ,hard-working and entitled to  his passions,  he has only one and that is football.   Now don’t get me wrong  his family always comes first   if there is an emergency  but  he loves football, watching it , following it , reading it .  I detest it , okay when my children play  I like it but that’s it .

Of course  it would be nice if Mayo  won the Sam Maguire because we could celebrate for a few hours  not a few years like I think some may try . When my husbands team wins  I really am happy for him that’s when I am smoking . When the voice in my  childish head says ….. you are putting in all this hard work  and  everyone around you is  engrossed in football , the television is blaring and the radio is  plugged in to their ears and  you poor old you cant even forget the noise and go and have  a cup of coffee and a few cigarettes .  That presses funny buttons in my electricity supply  and my face gets all grumpy and  it spoils everyone’s enjoyment   and then  the cunning addiction has won round one .

But aha  I have written this post without a cigarette  , and I have a plan . The plan is this   my head phones;  yes and at first I thought… sure I cannot wear headphones when I am  working in the kitchen and the television is blaring , and even if I do  I will see them all engrossed in  their passion and it will annoy me when addiction reminds me  to be annoyed in the first place.Remember addiction is cunning it will seek our weakness and play to the tune.

But  then it came to me;  what about my passions? and I have   lots  , they change  often too so I wont get bored ,  I love  the French language,   I am trying hard to learn about growing things in the garden, I love literature especially  a debate  or discussion on something I have read;   I still have that thirst for knowledge .

So this is my plan  I will  listen to something that absorbs my mind , and I really do need a refresher course in grammar or grammaire  as I love to say aloud perhaps I can get  an audio of eats shoots  , something  like that I can google it .   That’s my plan for when the  immature  me decides to throw a tantrum   , I will be that engrossed in  my own passions that I may not even hear her.  My garden challenge will  feel the benefits of  my new found wealth;   instead of cigarettes I shall buy trees and each tree will bear the emotion of the   day. Now I have another fear   , will I post or will I not?     Of course I  will ,what have I to fear   , this is the start of   my research into my addiction  and  they say knowledge  helps us to make informed decisions.    At least now when  I light up  a cigarette I will be aware that  I wrote this post without a cigarette in my hand , that  I was feeling  good again after a few darts from  addiction to go search the ashtray and if  I manage to sit here tow night  without smoking   I will christen the tree i hope to purchase tomorrow with my cigarette money.


6 thoughts on “I have a plan.

  1. Love the sound of your plan Kathy! And the earphones are great! We can get audio books with earphones, or without, from the library. I hope you can too. I wear the earphones when I garden, iron, cook or not want to hear the football! Hey, you will love it!! 🙂
    Great plan!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello Kathy,
    I wish I had some wise words to guide you on this journey. Addiction is a tricky one affecting each person individually. I can relate somewhat in that about 2 years ago I drank an energy drink, like redbull type of thing. It reminded me of SweetTarts candy from my childhood and definitely gave me energy. I enjoyed it and gradually worked up to having one every day. This last year I noticed I was having two or three some days and feeling horrible for it. Not sleeping well at night and filled with worry about what I was doing to my health.
    I always felt that the smokers who never got ill were the ones who enjoyed it, guilt free–I believe sickness can be caused and healed through the mind.
    I was not drinking guilt free, always feeling like a bad role model, hiding them from my children, hating the cost, like robbing from my family. I tried many times to quit and would for months even, then I would justify having one, then another…you know how that story goes.
    Just this week I told Johnny that I didn’t want to drink them anymore, a sure sign of weakness and desperation. Once he’s involved then I have someone watching me and I can get rather pissy if I want to do what I want to do, an apparent less than positive for those married to an addict I suppose. I am considering hypnosis if necessary. Many friends have stopped smoking this way and have been smoke free for years now.
    You are strong to publish this post, and I feel courageous too for responding to you so honestly. Trust me I am hesitant to post this comment, but I shall.
    Despite a withdrawal headache, I am off to the garden to do what I love most. It’s a lovely day to go tree shopping 🙂 . Melissa Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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